“Why It’s Good To Have Writer’s Block.”
Two characters, one just entering the rather dull room, Alex, the other is at a computer writing rather fast, Sage.
Sage: Hey. (Does not turn away from computer.)
Alex: So, how’s the second day of being an author going. Got a good idea yet?
Sage: Actually I’m just finishing my first book.
Alex: (Stunned.) Excuse me. I’m not quite sure I heard that right, you’re almost finished?
Sage: Yeah. Actually, this should be the last sentence, and… done! (Stops typing. Puts hands behind head and looks relieved.) Care to read it?
Alex: I mean, sure. How long is it?
Sage: 250,000 words.
Alex: (Once again, stunned.) Wow. In… in two days?
Sage: Yeah, of course. Writing isn’t that hard, after all.
Alex: No writer’s block then, I assume?
Sage: None at all.
Alex: Okay, let me just… wait. (Reads off of computer.) “… and it was all just a dream.” (Alex begins laughing hysterically.)
Alex: Please tell me you’re kidding me with that ending.
Sage: No. What about it.
Alex: (Yells.) WHAT ABOUT IT?! (Stops yelling.) It’s the worst form of Deus Ex Machina in the world!
Sage: (Slowly.) Deus ex… cuse me? English?
Alex: Basically, some out of the blue, unprecedented thing happens that suddenly fixes everything. Essentially, the worst form of writing.
Sage: Now I wouldn’t say that, just cause it’s a little convenient doesn’t mean it’s not possible.
Alex: So what? It’s lazy writing! It renders any conflict in the story useless. What else did you write? (Starts reading off computer again.)
Sage: I wrote a really good story, that’s what.
Alex: (Sarcastically.) Really?
Alex: You spent an entire three chapters where you just talked about the main character’s boobs.
Sage: So? It’s appealing.
Alex: What do you mean so? Not only is that filler over plot, it’s essentially only appealing to one type of audience, mainly men!
Sage: No it’s not, there’s lesbians…
Alex: That’s why I said “Mainly” you idiot.
Sage: … (Angrily.) also, (No longer angrily.) I’ve come to the conclusion that if you write about stuff like boobs enough, it starts becoming comedy as much as it does appeal. That’s for everyone, right?
Alex: How did you come to that conclusion?
Sage: … It doesn’t matter!
Alex: How about the fact (Reading off of computer.) that you not only keep using deus ex machina, but you gave the protagonist protag-abilities.
Alex: You essentially made her invincible!
Sage: Where does it say that? She’s a human being like you and me.
Alex: … Who for some reason can call upon the power of “The Great Lizard” anytime she’s in an even remotely challenging situation.
Sage: But she has to use her willpower to call “The Great Lizard”.
Alex: … And you gave her all the willpower ever! There’s no character development or arc in this entire story.
Sage: It’s a satire.
Alex: (Frustrated.) HOW!? What is it a satire on?
Sage: The First Zulu War.
Alex: (Angrily.) LITERALLY NOBODY IN THE WORLD CAN RELATE TO THAT, BECAUSE EVERYONE WHO LIVED DURING THAT TIME IS DEAD!
Sage: Hey, calm down. You’ve only skimmed it…
Alex: (Breathing heavily.) You’re right… okay, I’ll read it from the start. (Reads off computer.) “Once…” (Stops.) I don’t want to continue reading this do I.
Sage: Sure you do. I’m quite skilled at setting the scene with narration like that.
Alex: (Continuing.) “… upon a time,” okay, you need to rewrite this book.
Alex: I’m sorry Sage, it’s terrible. Every cliche in existence has been used, there is no plot to it… no wonder you didn’t have Writer’s Block.
Sage: (Frustrated.) Yeah, because I’m an amazing writer! I’ve always been one. It’s my dream!
Alex: No, because you didn’t even try. It was easy because you didn’t try. Writer’s Block sucks, but it forces you to think about what will make this story good. The reality is, that is not a good piece of writing, at least not one that will appeal to the masses.
Sage: (After thinking about it.) Fine. It needs some work. (Goes back to computer.) Give me five more minutes.
Alex: Only five min…
Sage: Give me a week.
Sage: Thanks Alex.
Alex: No problem.
Sage: Hey, can I keep “The Great Lizard?”
Alex: No, you cannot keep “The Great Lizard!”
Sage: Fine, fine. ( Waits for Alex to leave the room. To himself.) “…and she lived happily ever after.” (Hits button, followed by “Sent” sound.)